Curse

Government Flu · Jun 11, 2007, 06:32 PM // 18:32

Guild Wars Flameseeker Parodies
Chapter Seven

The summer days are slowly winding to a close as the leaves shrivel up and turn beautiful bright colors, tones of auburn and gold gently complimenting the serene landscape of Ascalon. The mornings are becoming subtly colder and the sun sets sooner, but the pace of city and village life remains the same even as the earth changes...

Activist 1: My leg...my leg!

Ciglo: Here, have a cigarette.

Activist 1: Aren’t you gonna heal me man?!

Ciglo: Sorry, I’m a bonder monk. A self bonder. I protect myself.

Valin: Don’t worry, I’ll heal you.

Activist 1: It was horrible man, horrible! This giant hammer just smashed into my face and I couldn’t see! All of my friends are dead!

Valin: Calm down, all of your friends are fine, just knocked out. Except for that guy. I couldn’t piece together his skull.

Activist 1: Couldn’t you just resurrect him?

Ciglo: Yeah sure, but since his skull is in dozens of fragments he’d just wake up and die from the massive blood loss because there’s a giant shard of bone in his brain. See, take a look!

Valin: No!

Ciglo goes into his spell casting stance, which is very different from the majority of monks. He puts his cigarette in his mouth, takes a long drag and scratches his balls. He coughs a little and then spits out some phlegm. He snaps his fingers and then takes another drag off his cancer stick as the spell begins to work. A giant ray of light shoots from the sky.

And fries the living crap out of the dead body and everything else in a twelve foot radius.

Ciglo: Huh. I never knew I could smite.

Activist: By the Gods!

Ciglo: Yeah look, the point is that if I resurrected him, he’d be dead.

Activist 1: But you killed everyone else man! Everyone’s dead!

Valin: This is horrific, just simply horrific...

Ciglo: Valin, you must understand that us monks can’t save everyone. Especially if we think that our life spells are actually earth scorching beams of pure light. It’s all very confusing. The point is, I’m going to go and get that pack of cigarettes now. So shove off. Nothing more to learn here.

Valin: What about him? He’s still badly injured.

Ciglo: That’s okay. The monk trainer is coming over this way soon to teach a fresh batch of recruits. He’ll be fine.

Valin: ...But you’re the monk trainer.

Ciglo: Huh. I guess I am. Hey buddy, I’ll see you soon! Hang in there!

Activist 1: Screw the blue skale man, screw ‘em all...

The activist passes out.

Valin: What kind of monster could’ve done such a horrible thing? This must’ve been the work of the Charr.

Just then, an extremely bloodied Warren splashes into view, marching across the river and whistling.

Valin: Warren! Come here, quick!

Warren waves as blood drips down his fingers. He eyes a baby skale and smashes it with his boot.

Warren: Hey, how’s it going? I was just finishing up a quest that Van gave me.

Valin: It’s not a good day to be out questing. Take a look at this devastation...all these rangers are dead...I think a small Charr war band must’ve snuck through the frontlines into the countryside.

Warren: I wouldn’t know. I was out killing Skale. And staring at this shiny warrior’s armor. It was so dazzling in the sunlight. All those shiny shiny rays of shiny light in my eyes. Makes me forget my troubles. ...And what I recently did. And who I am. Ahh! Who am I? WHO AM I?!

Valin: Calm down, calm down. You’re Warren, a warrior wielding an increasingly rusty hammer and you have aspirations of becoming an accomplished knight.

Warren: Okay...I’ll believe that. For now.

Valin: Why are you looking at me like that?

Warren: Doppleganger, die!

Valin: What the hell, I don’t even look like you!

Just then a knight seething with rage galumphs his way to where the two adventurers are splashing about and grabs Warren by the neck.

Warmaster Grast: Now you listen to me you little sh-t! You march right back over this river and apologize to Fadden for calling him a pansy and then flinging a dead skale at him! The man’s already scared witless of devourers and now you’re making him jump at tiny blue lizards!

Valin: Amphibians.

Warmaster Grast: Whatever! I don’t care if they’re cows made of chocolate, I won’t tolerate another warrior mocking my help! Do you know how hard it is to collect devourer eggs when I’ve got sixty pounds of steel on my ass?! I can barely bend down to take a crap and now I have to chase bastards like you around!

Warren: Shiny armor...

Warmaster Grast: And that’s another matter! You stare at me like that for another hour again and I’ll gut you! I’ll sever so many of your arteries it’ll take the entire host of Ascalon Army monks to heal you back up!

As this is all transpiring, a little girl with a flute bounces into the conflict with a beaming smile and a heart of gold.

Girl: Hi everyone, I’m Gwen! Do you want to hear a little music from my flute? I just learned how to play it! My mommy gave me this flute and said—

Warmaster Grast: Get the hell out of here! Give me that flute!

The angered knight takes the flute from Gwen’s tiny little hands and snaps it in half. Then stomps on it. Then picks it back up and throws it across the river.

Warmaster Grast: I won't say it again! Scram!

Gwen leaves in a trail of tears as Warmaster Grast gives Warren one more nasty look.

Warren: That guy is so awesome.

Valin: Yeah, I’m sure. Anyway, why don’t we see what needs to be done around town? We should probably mingle with the villagers and see if we can rid Ascalon of some problems, eh?

Warren: Wait, there’s Van!

Indeed, Van the Warrior, looking irriated from his lack of sleep, has come out of Ascalon City to train new warriors in the art of warfare. Warren runs up to Van and waves excitedly.

Warren: Look, look! I completed your quest!

Van eyes the river and sees the carnage. Heaps upon heaps of dead skale line the bank as the gentle stream flows red deep underneath the calm waters.

Van: Well...ya just butchered everything in sight, didn’t ya?

Warren, blushing: Yeah, I kinda did.

Van turns toward his other students.

Van: Well lads, looks like ye won’t be fighting the skale since...someone killed them all. So just practice using your healin’ signet ‘n...pick some berries, I don’t care. I’m going to bed.

Warren: Wait, what about my reward?

Van: Oh yeah yeah, sure...your reward.

Van takes out a piece of parchment and scribbles something on it. Then he hands him a few dusty gold coins.

Van: Buy a decent weapon and get out of my sight.

Warren jumps up in victory and reads the note:

“50 experience points! You gain a skill point! You learned a bunch of new skills! Whoop de doo now get the hell out of my sight. Talk to Warmaster Grast to continue your training.”

Valin: Hey, I’ve got a bit of gold left over...and that girl over there looks pretty sad. Why don’t we go buy her something nice?

Warren: Isn’t that kind of creepy?

Valin: Well...

Warren: And where’s her mother?

Valin: Well...

Warren: And why is she outside of the city by herself?

Valin: Damn it, you’re going to learn how to be nice to people whether you like it or not, you got me?!

And so, they go to the local merchant in Ascalon and browse through his wares...

Warren: Found anything yet?

Valin: Well, I found this red cape for girls. It’s not a flute, but it should do well.

Warren: How much?

Merchant: 200 gold.

Warren: For a cape!

Merchant: It’s a b-tchin’ cape man.

Warren: Fine. The reward for this quest better be good.

Valin: What? Wait, what are you talking about? Warren, this isn’t a quest, we’re just doing a good deed!

Warren: Blah blah blah, come on, let’s go.

And back at the riverside, near the resurrection shrine...

Prince Rurik: What do you mean, “It won’t work”?!

Academy Monk: My prince, the shrine can’t “resurrect” swords. You’ll need some kind of flammable liquid to get your uh, “legendary” sword to work.

Prince Rurik: Flammable liquid? I guess I better talk to my father after he’s eaten a bowl of spicy beans, ha ha!

Academy Monk: ...

Prince Rurik: Wait, where are you going? I need this bloody sword to work! Come back! Join my Vanguard!

And a few feet away, Gwen is sitting in the shade of a mighty tree, crying.

Valin: Don’t cry little girl, we’ve got something that’ll make you feel better.

Warren: Yeah, shut your trap, we brought you a cape.

Gwen: Weally?

Warren: Here you go.

Warren hands her the cape.

Gwen: Wow, thanks mister! This is so neat! My mommy will think I look so pretty ‘n cute ‘n—

Warren: So what’s our reward?

Valin: Warren!

Warren: What?! I want a reward!

Gwen: Well...I’ve got this piece of red tapestry. Would you like it?

Warren: What the hell is this?

Valin: According to the Ascalon Strategy Companion, it’s purpose is as of yet unknown but it’s labeled as a “quest item.” Whatever that means. I have to admit, I feel uncomfortable reading a book that makes this life of danger seem like a trivial game...

Warren: A piece of tattered tapestry?! That’s it?! Screw that, I’m taking the cape back.

Gwen: Hey!

Warren rips the cape away from the girl and leaves.

Warren: Next time get a better quest reward!

In the meantime, near the outdoor theatre stage...

Prince Rurik: Lovely, isn’t she?

Captain Osric: Althea is lovely as the day is long. You’re a lucky man, Your Highness.

Prince Rurik: Althea? Where? Oh. Ahahaha. Just a joke. Aye, that I am. Lucky indeed.

Captain Osric: And what of the blessed event? Have you set a date?

Prince Rurik: No, but I’ve got a more pressing event, believe it or not.

Captain Osric: What is it my prince?

Prince Rurik: My dragon sword still won’t light.

Captain Osric: Oh. I thought it was Althea’s birthday tomorrow and you don’t have a gift for her even after searching all the treasure rooms and shops of Ascalon.

Prince Rurik: And the King’s hidden stash of porn.

Captain Osric: Wait, what?!

Prince Rurik: We’re talking about swords and PlayMonk, right?

Captain Osric: No, we’re...never mind. I’ll get a gift for your fiancée.

The two continue to look at the beauty of Althea as she keeps running away from a rouge bull, horns just inches away from gutting her.

Althea: Hhheeeeellllpppppp!

Prince Rurik: Ah, women!

Captain and Rurik: Hahahahahahahaha!

And back at the shady oak tree...

Valin: I’ve collected a bunch of requests from people on my way here and I’ve jotted it all down on my quest log. You should do the same so we can get some gold and experience fighting.

Warren: I filled my log with pretty pictures, see?

Valin: Warren, what the hell?!

Next chapter on Flameseeker Parodies:

1. Why the Charr are so angry all the time.

2. Althea’s gift.

3. The new system requirements for reading this parody.

4. The reason why Knight’s armor has been changed to Templar and the origin of that one dude with the staff. You know what I’m talking about.

5. Why the caged bird sings.

ichigo_panty · Jun 12, 2007, 02:23 AM // 02:23

1 word : Amazing.

Just can't stop laughing reading these.

So, that is why we see gwen's tattered cape and broken flute.

Nice work, keep it up. Waiting for chapter 8.

summer_goth · Jun 12, 2007, 07:35 AM // 07:35

I check in almost every day to see if there's a new chapter. You write really well and it's just brilliant! Keep up the good work.

Yoom Omer · Jun 26, 2007, 03:55 PM // 15:55

Thats just so good.
You are brilliant. A genius.

Government Flu · Jul 10, 2007, 09:42 AM // 09:42

Guildwars Flameseeker Parodies
Chapter 8 *The Return*

As mentioned in the previous chapter, here are the answers to the questions asked:

1. They’re angry because no one has removed the thorn from their paw.

2. Althea’s Gift is a decorative urn.

3. The new system requirements for this parody include, but are not limited to, an Intel Pentium 5 processor, 3 Gigabytes of RAM, and 50 gigabytes of free space. This parody is compatible with Windows XP, Vista, and Windows 95. In addition, reading every line of this chapter will deduct $6.00 USD from your bank account. If you do not meet these requirements, the parody will most likely look like this:

01001010101010101010101010101010110101010101010101 01010101010101010101000010110101101000011111000011 01010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010010 10101010000001111110000011110000111100101010101010 1soufflé010101010101010001101011010monster01010101 01010101010101010101010101010111100101010101010101 01010100101100101001010101001011010001010100101010 1101010102.

4. Templar just sounds better when you’re eating a Gyro. That one dude with the staff? Don’t worry about him.

5. The bird is obviously retarded.

The Charr have almost finished their master plan as the skies turn darker and the Wall starts to show wear. The battlements are ragged, the men overworked, and the backlines are filling with wounded. There is a shortage of monks and the kingdom is starting to splinter under the weight of the unbreakable Charr siege. As the end of days approaches, Warren and Valin, along with hundreds of new warriors, begin their advanced training.

Warren: So all I need to do is whack these worms to get experience points and that fire wand?

Pitney: Yes, that’s right. Although I’m not quite sure what you mean by experience points.

Warren: You know, I can barely see that wand in all that fire.

Pitney: Yes, I shouldn’t have hid it inside of a haystack, but you know how it is. Bandits and Bloodsworn are everywhere to be found.

Warren: That wolf seems to be eating most of them.

Pitney: Look, are you going to kill those worms or not?

Warren: Where are they?

Pitney: Lure them with some devourer eggs.

Warren: You mean these eggs? These eggs right here?

Pitney: Yes.

Warren: I’m kind of hungry though.

Pitney: Look, either you want the fire wand or you don’t.

Warren: I’m not really a mage though.

Pitney: It’s all I have.

Warren: What about a moa bird? Those would go good with these eggs…

Pitney: Yeah…well, one of my moa birds has gone missing and the second one is being rented out to some crazy ranger who keeps making it kill him. The resurrection shrine has never been in worse shape.

Warren: Why is he naked?

Ranger: Death leveling, whoo! Ow! Ow! Aaauuuggghhhh!

Warren: Oooh, that looks messy.

Ranger: I’m going to be a Legendary Defender of Ascalon, ahhahahahaha!

Pitney: Yeah, you know what? This place is filled with morons and sadists. I really don’t care about my farm anymore. I’m moving out of here. Maybe I’ll go join the Vanguard. I’ve heard they have several openings.

Ranger: No, don’t peck there, aaaaahhhhh!

Warren: Do I still get the experience points?

Pitney: What the hell are you talking about!

Warren: All you need to do is write down that I completed a quest in my journal and add the experience points at the end.

Ranger: It’s becoming too powerful! I can’t stop it! Auugghhh!

Pitney: You’re not going to leave me alone until I do this, are you?

Warren: We can always discuss the joy of wielding a hammer.

Pitney: Where do I write down your points?

Ranger: Where did it get that sword from?! Erk!

Warren: Between the pictures of my horsie and the bald headed stick figure guy.

Pitney: Uh-huh, congratulations, you just received 250XP and here, just take the damn fire wand.

Warren: I think I’ll just leave it in the haystack.

Ranger: By the Gods, it’s learned how to use my own bow against me! Ack!

Pitney: If you self-narrate one more thing I’m taking that moa away from you, understand?!

Ranger: …okay…

Meanwhile, outside the Devourer Cave…

Duke Gaban: Where the hell are my eggs?! I want to make an omelet!

Fadden: I’ve been in that horrible cave so many times, please don’t send me back there.

Duke Gaban: You’re going back there as soon as I find a suitable escort whether you like it or not. Look, there’s a fine chap.

Fadden: But he’s naked.

Duke Gaban: Nonsense, he’s a necromancer. I’m sure he’s just armored with decorative scars. Much like ancient runes used by the dwarves.

Fadden: No, he’s really just naked sir. Please don’t ask him to come over here.

Duke Gaban: You there, young man! Help my aid gather some eggs, will you? I seem to have misplaced some and I require…wait a minute…that bastard stole my eggs while I was strangling him, didn’t he?! Damn it! I hate warriors…especially that…rusted hammer person…if I see him again, I’ll make sure to make his life--

Necromancer: Is this cave filled with peril?

Duke Gaban: --yes, yes. Quite dangerous, but I’m sure you’re up to the task. I must say, I’ve never seen such an intricate scar pattern on such a young necromancer.

Fadden: Those scars are real…

Necromancer: Alright, come along then. Fadden is it? I won’t be long. Just eight or ten hours.

Duke Gaban: You like being precise, eh?

Necromancer: Certainly. Death leveling is a risky, pointless, completely masochistic procedure.

Duke Gaban: Whatever that slang term means, it sounds like a real time waster.

Necromancer: Oh yes, but you get a pretty little title underneath your name.

Duke Gaban: What, like a noble title? I’m a duke, is that what you mean?

Necromancer: No, I mean when you’re in a town or outpost, you’ll have a title underneath the name that’s underneath your feet. See how my name hovers just inches off the ground? And look at those pretty status icons in the top left corner…they’re so pretty, glistening in the sunlight like that…

Duke Gaban: You’re insane, aren’t you?

Necromancer: And if I die just enough times, I’ll become a defender of this great land, heeheee…

Duke Gaban, sighing: I really hate killing the crazies. Fadden, do you have any idea how hard it is to scrape away the bone marrow and brain matter off the nooks and crannies of my armor?

Fadden: No…

Duke Gaban: Well, you can either find out or go into that damn cave and get me some eggs!

Fadden: Yes sir…

Duke Gaban: And as for you…

And in the quiet town of Ashford, Valin walks around in an attempt to be helpful. He finds a man outside of his small home, looking particularly glum.

Valin: You seem downtrodden. Is something wrong?

Miller Upton: Oh, hi there. How’s life in the Ascalon military?

Valin: I’m still in training. Can I help you?

Miller Upton: Well, I’m trying to make some money…to pay for the rent, and I got this idea to infuse bread with honey, but now all of these bees have started buzzing around and it’s driving me crazy. I’d really like some help. Could you take this honeycomb and lure the bees away?

Valin: I was thinking along the lines of a quest that, uh, forgive my harsh words, wasn’t meant for inept imbeciles who couldn’t kill a skale with a ballista.

Miller Upton: What?

Valin: A quest that wasn’t meant for slow children.

Miller Upton: What?

Valin: A challenging quest.

Miller Upton: Look, I’ll give you a reward. I found this in my cellar. It’s a little moldy, but I think it’ll be useful for a warrior like you.

Valin: I’m a monk.

Miller Upton: Sorry, I meant to say ranger.

Valin: Monk.

Miller Upton: A smonk, sorry.

Valin: What have you been drinking?

Miller Upton: Hic! Just some ale infused with honey. Washed it down with some honey infused meat. Had some more ale to wash down the taste. Really a vicious hic! cycle.

Valin: Show me your item.

Miller Upton: It’s some kind of little thingy. I have no idea what is does, but it’s shaped like a…I have no idea what the hell this is.

Valin: Actually, that looks like a divine symbol. I could find some use out of this. Okay, I’ll help you out. Let me just check the Ascalon Strategy Companion…

And just outside Ashford, Warren haggles with a merchant over the price of his cape. The hill they’re on is overlooking the massive fire caused by Pitney’s reward. It has now spread to engulf the ranger and the attacking moa, who is now using an advanced form of Kung Fu to defeat him.

Hamish: Look, I’m not going to pay 200 gold for a girl’s cape and that’s final.

Warren: Come on, just do me a favor.

Hamish: You haven’t done anything for me, why should I help you?

Warren: Then…you’ll give me a quest?

Hamish: No. Go away. And what are you doing with a girl’s cape to begin with, anyway? Creep.

Warren: That‘s it! Doom time buddy, right now!

Warren, in an unforeseen rage (author excluded. I knew it was going to happen. And so do you, but only after the fact, so it’s still unforeseen as far as you know, especially since I’m stalling the narrative to build up either a) an extreme sense of annoyance from you, the reader b) an amazing amount of suspense that has you at the edge of your seat c) you should probably grab a snack and something to drink by now. Go on. I’ll let you take a break.) goes into his battle stance and lifts his hammer up high above his head. Hamish gives a shocked glance as the hammer comes down and misses the merchant entirely, thumping into the ground. Warren is aghast as he pulls the hammer up to his face. The grip is the only thing that remains.
Warren: What happened to my poundy iron rock thing?! Where’d it go?

Hamish: You mean your haft? Yeah, when you swung it at me it kind of just flew over my head and down into the village. You should go after it before I kick your ass.

Warren: With what!

Hamish, rummaging around his bag: With my…STARTER SHIELD!

Warren: Aaaahhhh! It has eyes and pointy teeth!

Warren runs away as Hamish looks on, amused.

Hamish: Dumbass.

And in the heart of Ashford Village, a young woman named Devona yawns. The Charr haven’t been sighted in the area as of yet and the recent Grawl uprising was quickly quelled by the local guard. Indeed, she hasn’t seen much occurring in the recent days, despite the heavy fighting in the North.

Devona: Another boring day coming to a close…my father would scoff at this lack of war.

A rusted hammer haft, seemingly conjured from the air itself, looms into view. It hits her directly on top of the head and plunks lazily down into the dirt path.

Devona, dazed: Daddy would be proud of my Charr cutlets, yes he would. I make a good hammer lady don’t I?

She falls to the ground, unconscious. And on the other side of town, Valin struggles through his book.

Valin: I can’t seem to find the passage detailing the statistics of these bees.

Miller Upton: They’re just bees! Just pick up the f-cking comb and drop it in the f-cking water! Damn it!

Valin: Apparently they don’t have a level…alright, I’ll give it a shot.

Valin picks up the honeycomb and the swarms of bees start buzzing angrily around him.

Valin: They don’t appear to be doing any damage. Huh. I guess this is easy after all.

Valin starts to make his way past the bridge as Warren comes barreling down the cobblestone road. When the monk sets the honeycomb down (next to the annoyed guardsman) he dusts off his hands and looks up to see Warren flailing his arms like a madman and yelling “Starter Shield, run!” as he sprints ever closer.

Valin: What are you babbling about?

Warren comes to a stop at Valin’s feet, catching his breath, chest heaving up and down.

Warren: Merchant, girl’s cape, hammer broke, shield threat--ooo, a honeycomb.

Warren picks up the honeycomb and eats it.

Warren: 100XP! Yes!

Valin: What?

Warren: Let’s go collect our reward.

Valin: Wait, the bees are starting to follow you!

Warren: Where’s the reward guy? I want a reward.

Valin, sighing: Just come with me, maybe he won’t notice.

Shortly afterwards…

Miller Upton: So, was that really…hard…?

Valin: Yes, I know the bees are still here. But don’t worry, they’re just following this big guy next to me. He “accidentally” stepped in the honeycomb.

Warren: No, I ate it. Purposely.

Miller Upton: You know what, just take the symbol and leave me alone!

Valin: Thanks. You know, even though this was a really simple quest, I feel like I learned something valuable.

Warren: Yeah yeah, whatever. Move over Brite Lite. Sign my log please.

Miller Upton: Hic! What?

Warren: Sign my log. Give me experience points and write down “Quest Completed!”

Miller reluctantly takes the journal.

Miller Upton: Is this a joke?

Valin: Just humor him.

Warren: Sign it between the skale cartoon and the doodle of that one legged bull.

“Warren has received 500XP!”

Warren: Oh man, I must be level 10 by now, huh?

Valin: You don’t seem to realize what you’re doing, do you?

Miller Upton: Oy, you blokes better speak to one of our warriors here. I think there’s been talk of another Grawl uprising and the guards have been looking for volunteers.

Valin: Yeah, we’ll do that, but first I should probably go check on that woman over there…she seems to be knocked out cold.

Warren: I’m gonna go take her hammer!

Another day told in the archives of the Flameseeker Parodies.

Level Counter. Keep up with the development of our story’s two main characters!

Warren: Level 1.
Valin: Level 2.
Bees: Level 0.

And now, a Public Service Announcement:

Hello. You may remember me as the Ranger from GWFP chapter 8. Please, shed a tear at my story.

I was born 5 months ago, and ever since then the cruel hand of fate has pushed me to vicious deaths, time and time again. You see, someone created me with the sole intention of keeping me in the small tutorial area and trying to get me to level 20 by fighting level 5 foes.

It was fun at first. Then I began to halluncinate. I began to lose sleep. I started to find joy in death leveling, if only to escape the same green trees and stone wall I see every day for a little while. It became an addiction. And now I can't stop. I constantly provoke moa birds and small children to attack me so I can get them to level 20 and then fight them for a small amount of experience.

People, listen. Character development shouldn't be begun and ended in a tutorial area. I don't even have any real skills. I've been using power shot for the past 5 months. That's all I know. I dread becoming max level only to use the same skill anyway.

I long to see a level 20 enemy that isn't a moa bird. Thank you for listening to my story. And please tell my creator that I'd like my armor back. It gets cold during the...day. Really, there's never any night here, isn't that weird?

Thanks,

Signed Ranger.

Author's Notes: In chapter 7, Duke Gaban was incorrectly written down as Warmaster Grast.

Government Flu · Jul 10, 2007, 09:48 AM // 09:48

Okay, so maybe some of you are wondering, why hasn't there been an update for so long? Well, first of all my PC crashed, and at least a dozen of my newest poems went with it, so that discouraged me from writing anything, and getting everything back to speed was a pain as well.

I also hadn't installed MS Word for a while, and I'm in the process of moving. So it's been pretty stressful around here. Nonetheless, I finally found the time and will to make the 8th chapter.

I hope you enjoy it, and I do assure you, I plan on continuing with the parody further. I will edit the 8th chapter for any errors later on, but it should be in good shape as is.

Thanks for your patience.

Operative 14 · Jul 11, 2007, 08:38 AM // 08:38

Boy, Flu, I'm glad I meet you at Dragon Fest this weekend, I don't think I ever would have stumbled in here to read this!

It's absolutely wonderful, rarely have I seen such comedic talent!

I can't wait for chapter 9.

Black Eagle · Jul 18, 2007, 10:39 AM // 10:39

Hello everyone! Operative here knows me, and i thought i might aswell post a reply...

First of all, Funny story, Excellent comedic work, I just feel sorry for that death leveler! (And anyone else who actually bothers with the Defender of Ascalon title)

Second of all, Mesmers are good!, as sideproffesions anyway...

MrSlayer · Jul 19, 2007, 11:17 PM // 23:17

Excellent story.

I LOVE the Deathlevelling comments...your brain is amazing

Yoom Omer · Jul 22, 2007, 05:59 PM // 17:59

NICE

So funny.

MrSlayer · Aug 01, 2007, 01:50 AM // 01:50

*Bump*

Where did this story go? Can't let it die..it's too funny to die D:

Government Flu · Aug 09, 2007, 08:51 AM // 08:51

Guild Wars Flameseeker Parodies
Chapter 9

In the lush green farmlands and solid brick cottages, the small town of Ashford thrives on its people. The farmers, the artisans, and the merchants all trade wares and stories of life in Ascalon. With the sun shining on their backs and the sweet scent of fresh straw lightly hinting in the wind, our heroes stroll over to the lovely warrior Devona, who has a fiery will and masterful hand at using her war hammer. Many a Charr and Grawl she’s killed, some rumors spreading that a few unlucky ones were disposed of with her bare hands! Indeed, her dead father would be proud of her, and perhaps he’s smiling at his daughter from Balthazar’s big sword in the sky.

Except, you know. She’s kinda knocked out right now.

Warren: Poor lady. The Charr must’ve gotten her.

Valin: No, the Charr haven’t made it anywhere near Ashford yet. Don’t be silly.

Vatlaaw Doomtooth: Yeah, don’t be silly.

Warren: What the?!

Vatlaaw Doomtooth: Zoop!

Guard 1: Stop that Charr!

Guard 2: He stole my shield!

Villager 1: He took my journal!

Woman 1: He took my baby!

Villager 2: Omigod WTF, my English flew away lolz!

Woman 1: That beast has snapped the man’s mind! Aaaahhh!

Guard 1: Burn the village down, find the Charr!

Valin: Actually, I’m pretty sure he went past that bridge.

Guard 2: Madness! Madness! Get the torches!

Valin: I’m pretty sure he’s waving back at us.

And so, pandemonium begins to set into the once quiet town of Ashford as Valin struggles to drag Devona to safety, noting that she’s part of a noble line of warriors and her skill will surely come in handy when she regains consciousness. (The Ascalon Strategy Companion also notes she’s a primary character.) As Valin tries to keep his grip (not in that way buddy) Warren decides to help by hefting Devona’s hammer.

Warren: Womanly enough for a man yet strong enough for a warrior. Wait, was that right?

Villager 1: My cottage, no! Everything is burning!

Villager 3: It can’t get any worse than this!

Guard 1: Keep torching everything in sight! Smoke that Charr out! Smoke him out!

Villager 2: OMG use SoR and FG that mofo before he uses BA!

Guard 2: Get a hold of yourself! Stop speaking in letters!

And just when things couldn’t get any worse, someone steps out from under the shadows of a grand old oak tree. Which is also on fire. The grass it’s roots rest upon? That’s on fire too.

Sephiroth, followed by evil music: Where’s Cloud?! And where the hell is that music coming from!

Guard 1: And who the hell are you?!

Sephiroth: I’m a villian with a really long sword that can’t possibly be wielded without slicing off my own limbs and I travel to all kinds of RPGs with burning villages in them to try and find Cloud Strife! Then, I can finally collect all the pieces of my Mother to form the great reunion that will destroy the world!

Guard 1: So you just go to places that have been set on fire, huh?

Sephiroth: Yeah, pretty much.

Guard 2: You know, that sounds pretty queer to me.

Sephiroth, followed by more music: Look, why don’t you just go along with your little village raze and--where the hell is that music coming from?! Seriously, everywhere I go, it's there, drilled into my head! Screw this, I'm out of here. That's right, gonna walk right into the fire, bye now.

Guard 1: Lookit that! He's not even showing the slightest bit of pain!

Three seconds later.

Foosh!

Sephiroth: I’m okay, I just tripped over my cape!

Six seconds later.

FOOSH!

Sephiroth: Oh God, my flesh! It’s melting! I thought I had my fire resistance amulet on, oh God it hurts, oh I thought this was flameproof clothing! How the hell did I kill that dragon?! And why the hell am I using a sword when everyone else is using guns?! Why is SOLDIER capitalized?Jenova…! Yes, I’ll make a teapot with the glue from your fingers! What was that? Describe my pain even more? Poor writing? Too much self-narrating? People will start to hate the author? Yes Jenova, I’ll mention that in the reunion!

The chaos engulfs Ashford as the Abbey bell rings to summon academy monks into action, maids bringing pitchers of water in each hand and old men getting out tattered table spreads to try and stamp out the flames, but the brilliant Charr hero has already done his job and is escaping into the Catacombs, leaving behind a small contingent of Grawl to slow down his foes. Meanwhile, Swordfur continues to appeal to the Shaman Council ruling over the invasion of Ascalon, and you better believe it, a few more of his special Char-broiled steaks and they’ll do whatever he suggests!

As the Oak Heart runs around in circles flailing its limbs, as the sword in King Adelbern’s stone gets re-glued, the world sings its madness and soon all will be engulfed, much like the flames now licking away at the once proud town of Ashford. As more words and sentences describing this one amazing scene that never happened in the game itself continue to pile up, the suspense is building, the chapters a nail in the coffin of life in Ascalon and where will it all end?!

BOOM!

Connection Error.

Warren: Where are we?

Valin: The black abyss?

Balthazar: Sup dudes.

Warren: Balthazar!

Balthazar: Yeah, how’s it hanging bra?

Warren: Tell me all about your shiny weapons!

Balthazar: I’m sorry, but it’s not your time yet…time yet…time yet…

Valin: Why are you repeating those words?

Balthazar: Sorry, I thought the server connection would’ve been reestablished by now but I guess not. Just trying to be dramatic.

Valin: Why are you here?

Balthazar: I was sent here to await a great warrior. And that warrior is Warren. Warren the Hammer Smashy Man. I am here to give him a magical awesome super sweet hammer of totally kick ass power.

Warren: Wow!

Balthazar: And, in this black void, your experience points will be like, wow dude. Totally intense. Cause this is a super secret area. So give me your journal Warren, and I’ll give you 50,000XP. And my armor.

Warren: This must be a dream!

SMASH!

Devona: And if you ever touch my hammer again, I’ll make sure to re-arrange your teeth on a piece of string and wear them around my neck!

Valin: He didn’t mean to just run off with it, I’m sure.

Devona: Look, I appreciate you helping me out after that…hammer from nowhere knocked me out cold but it doesn’t excuse your partner from pain!

Warren: What happened?

Valin: You tried to steal this warrior’s hammer just as I revived her with a condition dismissal spell and basically, her being 4 levels higher, kicked the crap out of you. With her bare hands.

Warren: Huh?

Devona: I must’ve really given him a beating if he’s that bad off.

Valin: No no, this is his usual. Warren. Hammer Lady didn’t like you touching shiny smash smash, so she almost killed you. No more stealing from lady, okay?

Warren: But…why isn’t the village burning? Where’s Sephiroth? And Jenova? I could've swore I heard the Guards screaming "Burn the village down!"

Guard 1: What? No! We screamed, "Save the village now! Keep away from the Charr!" Burning the village?! How ridiculous!

Guard 2: Yes, honestly...

The guard puts away his torch.

Valin: Warren, that’s far beyond my comprehension.

Warren: You were there, and you were there, and that…slimy head was there…

All three look towards a shady oak tree, where a pink, bloodied head slowly makes its escape by rolling down a small hill.

Valin: I’m assuming that’s "Jenova"?

Warren: Yeah, and Sephiroth wanted to reunite all her body parts so he could destroy the world.

Devona: Wow, if you ever wrote a book about that no one would ever read it. What a bizarre plotline you’ve imagined!

Valin: It’s so random it just might work.

Warren: That’s not the whole story…

Valin: Hey, why don’t you write a book about Ascalon? Make it a dark comedy?

Devona: Oh, that’d be morbid, wouldn’t it? Write about the Charr breaking through the wall and killing every man woman and child!

Valin: Oh, oh! Or better yet, have them send…giant crystals to crush us all to death! All from some kind of giant mixing pot!

Devona: Hahaha! And and, after that? How about learning that the whole thing was masterminded by some kind of undead fiend that somehow survived the explosion on Orr?!

Valin: Hahaha, oh that’s rich! Isn’t that right Warren? Let’s write about some stupid Lich that needs some kind of magical specter to control the world.

Devona: Oh wow, that’d be the worst plotline ever. So generic, I must’ve read about a thousand books like that.

Warren: You guys suck. I’m going to go kill those Grawl over there.

Devona: Grawl?! Again? Well, we’d better--wait, where’d my hammer go?

Valin: Looks like my friend took it again.

Devona: Get back here you thief! Arrghhh!

Valin: Why is everyone so hot-blooded? Can’t we stop and read the Strategy Companion before blindly rushing into battle?!

And so, with a strange dream finally lifted from the mind of Warren, his warrior instincts begin to kick in. Flanked by Devona and charging the enemy head on, Warren may very well learn something from this battle, but as this story is an epic tale, there remains to be many more battles to come. ‘Till the next chapter, I leave you all with a special addition of Guild Wars lore.

The Origins of the Shoe Sword

Perhaps the most legendary of all weapons, the Shoe Sword remains one of the greater mysteries in blacksmithing. Few veterans of shaping steel even know of such a tale, but the ones that did have spread this story across the continent of Tyria. Supposedly, one day Balthazar was leading a large brigade across The Great Battlefield (famous for its many great holes and sticks) when he saw a small band of Shadow Army units. Wishing to show his army’s strength, he ordered a full charge to crush the enemy.

Oddly, during the charge Balthazar tripped over a skeleton that had the misfortune to pop out at the wrong time. Indeed, skeletons usually bury themselves underneath the soil but come up for air every three hours. (Why this happens is still being researched by monks who have been shunned from the mainstream society for practicing smiting magics.) As large and steadfast as Balthazar was, he fell down and lost his shoe. He didn’t really feel like looking for it because, he supposedly explained to his army and I quote, “I’ve got like, thirty pairs.” Years later, a band of brave warriors and mages found this shoe.

One of them was an amateur blacksmith. Using a standard longsword hilt and the tip of a broken blade, he melded all three items together to form the legendary shoe sword. It was a clumsy weapon, did poorly in terms of damage, and was very strange to wield, since the shoe laces usually flapped about too much, slapping the wielder in the face often. When the warrior who created this sword died, it was passed on to the next generation of warriors in his family, and they decided to add modifications, such as a Prince Rurik game card, which looked really cool glued to the end of one lace.

Legend says that the sword continued to be passed on, and it continued to be modified. No two scholars agree on how it looks like these days, but they do have one thought in common: look for the shoe shaped sword!

Government Flu · Aug 09, 2007, 08:57 AM // 08:57

I'd like to thank everyone for their patience. As you can see, above me is the new chapter. From 0 views all the way past 1,000 and higher, I would like to thank new and old fans alike for either taking an interest to my parody, or continuing to read the new content I write.

Also, special thanks to the two people who gave me 5 stars!

fujin · Aug 11, 2007, 08:50 AM // 08:50

This is hilarious! Keep it up Flu!

Operative 14 · Aug 19, 2007, 08:01 PM // 20:01

You're still going to post more chapters right? That almost sounded like an ending speech

fujin · Aug 21, 2007, 03:45 PM // 15:45

"Till the next chapter, I leave you all with a special addition of Guild Wars lore."
That's what it says, so I don't think he's stopping yet.

Yoom Omer · Aug 29, 2007, 09:34 AM // 09:34

Funny as always.
You're great.

nem coke · Aug 31, 2007, 07:42 PM // 19:42

MGS parts and the part with Sephiroth are awesome, keep the good work up!

Government Flu · Sep 05, 2007, 02:52 PM // 14:52

Guild Wars: Flameseeker Parodies
Chapter 10
The Last Day Sets

Battle Report From Sir Tydus
This report is confidential to all but high ranking guard commanders.

Renegade Charr Commander: Rising Concerns

A large Grawl raiding party once again attacked Ashford Village, but this time it was led by a Charr that goes by the name of Vatlaw Doomtooth. Quite honestly I have no idea why a tooth would signal any kind of doom, but Charr culture is something we’ll never understand. I must take this opportunity to say that if we beat the Charr back from our homeland, that we should never, ever invade their territory, else we will be stuck in a massive quagmire.

We know nothing of the enemy, we know not of their customs, and our presence in their lands would surely anger the nearby wildlife population, perhaps creating a counter insurgency that would use large scale guerilla warfare aimed at wearing down our already thinned out troop reserves. So I disagree with King Adelbern’s recent, and may I add, premature proclamation that we would take the fight to the Charr to make sure they had no CMDs. (Catapults of Mass Destruction.)

Furthermore, I am concerned about the increasingly deteriorating training being given to our fresh recruits. The warrior Devona managed to just barely take on the entire Grawl raiding party by herself while the monk that was supposed to be healing her read from a, quote, “Strategy Companion” and the backup warrior, completely unarmed, flailed his arms around, attracting a large contingent of Skale that almost ate Devona. Luckily, a swarm of bees intervened.

And we all know how powerful these strange creatures can be. Oddly enough, they didn’t attack the band of troops defending Ashford because, quote “The sweet smell of honey emanated from a burly, rather stupid man.” I am to assume this was the flailing idiot.

Unfortunately, since these two men have seen action, I have no choice but to induct them in our No Ascalon Soldier Left Behind Act. This will give them the option of choosing a secondary profession. The monk, known as Valin, appears to be a quick study and very knowledgeable in his field, however he tends not to act because of low confidence. Warren, on the other hand, is completely obsessed with something called “experience points”, which he insisted I give to him after meeting with me. I…took the liberty of scribbling down a random number to keep him appeased. His journal is filled with doodles of swords and crooked hammers.

I will be reporting on further developments in this sector.

P.S. The crack in the wall was finally tracked down to a Charr with a hammer. Apparently he had been chiseling away at the small section for three years. We need more guards in that area.

* * *

Warren’s Jurnul
Bee-coming a Rangur.

My name is Waren and I used to hav a hammer but not anymore. It broke. After Hammer Lady killed the monkey guys I took a hammer but it is maid of wood so it kinda sucks. Valin and I went to Sir Tidus to receeve new ordurs and he told us to go talk to new teechers. He drew the names of people bee-low my picture of the battle I reecent-ly faught. I drew another hammer for good meazure. It is not wooden. I hate wooden hammers.

The frist people I found was a rangur, so I decided right there that I wuld be a rangur. I dun like magics very much and I dun know what a necroman is. (I herd they live in toomstone playgrounds.) My rangur trainer was very prepied. (Valin says the wurd is pre”occupied” but he’s stupid I know better) and after he finfished fyting a scorepion, I got my qwest. He wanted me to find a pet to tame so I found a rock but he didn want that. He told me to go to a shrine where lots of Melon Talkers were. (Valin says they r called Melon “Stalkers” but he’s dumb like I sayd before.)

I found a melon talker and said “Here Kitty Kitty” but it dun listen to me. It just walk around like it was stupid. It wagged its tail a bit. I didn know how to use the skill Master Nante gave me so I just used my hammer. I hit the talker in the head lots of times until it got all bloody. I think I tamed it then cuz it stopped walking away. I cleaned it up at the shrine.

Some stupid ghost thing popped out and said I violat-ted the shrine but I said he’s a ghost and he just swiped at me and didn do anything so I left with my new pet, witch didn want to walk anymore. I dun mind, I put it over my back.

My new pet helped me kill a large insect before I got to Master Nante because I swung it around like I do with hammers. My talker really got it good. I showed my new pet to Nante but he didn like what he saw. He got his eyes all big and started to cry. (He must have been realy happy with me!) He shook his hed and then told me to go. I asked him to give me expeereence points. At frist he said No but den I swung my talker at him and he said okay and I got 500XP!

I am now a Worrior Rangur. I naymed my pet Kitty.

It goes everywhere I go now.

I cant wait to tell Tidus I got a second professor. (It is Rangur, reemembur!)

* * *

Valin’s Journal
My trials and tribulations in training

I’ve found my travels in Ascalon to be very exciting and have met with several new instructors to compliment my primary profession. This new quest was given to me by Sir Tydus after a successful battle against the Grawl. While I must admit I wasn’t particularly helpful, the experience has taught me much about the troubles of war and the fast pace of a small battle. Here are my notes so far:

I first went to Warmaster Grast, who despite wielding a hammer, was very well versed and intelligent when it came to battle preparations. He gave me a sword and told me, quote, “Sever some arteries and bring me back a pint of blood.” I assumed this was an Ascalon slang term of some sort, so I went to the local tavern and bought a pitcher of Charr Blood Ale Light, which is a lightly sweet brew mixed in with hot Charr’s blood. I then “severed an artery” by cleaning the graffiti off a bathroom stall that some necromancer must’ve left behind.

At least, I’m assuming that’s what Warmaster Grast meant. He wasn’t impressed but when he had enough pitchers of beer in his gut, he told me I was okay in his book.

I then went to Master Ranger Nante, who was most distressed. He told me through bloodshot eyes that a recent student of his had brought back a dead Melandru’s Stalker as a pet and then smacked him over the head with it. He was so downtrodden I offered to capture another one for him. I located the shrine he mentioned and was to my amazement chased by an angry spirit, who kept trying to swipe at me. I gave him some gold to appease his anger and he accepted, pissing all over me. He said it was “his blessing.” Eventually I charmed a Stalker with a bit of clove and a small piece of meat. I think the ghost urine helped though.

I gave the animal to Master Nante in the hopes he would feel better. He told me I had passed his test.

I decided not to visit Necromancer Munne as I am a Monk and have been trained to prevent death, not embellish it. I’ve also heard she’s been on edge ever since a student laughed at her for using a hammer to kill skeletons. I’d better not tell Warren. He’d probably try to steal it.

I wanted to learn some Mesmer skills but Lady Althea was nowhere to be found. Captain Osric told me she’s been missing ever since a Rouge Bull attacked her. He mentioned that the Prince was out looking for her.

I traveled to the mountains to find Elementalist Aziure and offered my services. She said she was all out of ice golems to fight but would be more than happy to give me a passing mark if I could find her a warm coat. She said the Ascalon Army only made her wear a skimpy outfit because, quote, “They’re all a bunch of sexist pigs, led by the biggest pig of them all, King Adelbern. Who’s a pig. Seriously.”

I can’t wait to get back to Sir Tydus and tell him what my secondary profession will be. I’ve chosen to become a Monk/Ranger. I have no idea why. I’ll most likely just continue training in my primary profession. Or maybe start using a bow, who knows…

* * *

Official Decree
King Adelbern’s Declaration
The Official Declaration Begins Soon
This is the Official Beginning to the Official Decree
By King Adelbern
His Declaration

I have heard reports that the Charr have been up to no good in the Northlands. My recent spy scouts, the Soot Covered Children’s 2nd Brigade, has uncovered that the Charr Shamans are merely cooking something in a really big pot. I am certain it is the remains of the Soot Covered Children’s 1st Brigade, but who is truly to say? My friends, my citizens, and my comrades in arms (who are very far away from me so I can remain safe) there is no need for alarm! Our Wall has stood the test of time three years running! It’s really amazing what an outside contractor can do with an exuberant amount of money and an illegal workforce of Krytan Immigrants.

Yes, some sections are just plastered twigs and cleverly glued ale kegs, but have the Charr broken them down yet? Yes, of course they have, but we’ve rebuilt those sections every three months or so. Now, somehow a Charr “hero” has bypassed our impenetrable Wall and has sown all kinds of chaos within our provinces, but I have do not fear this incursion, since our only weak spot is the old abandoned bunker located just outside of Fort Ranik.

A map will be attached to this decree. I ask all of my official messengers to post this declaration all over Ascalon. Including the forests, the Catacombs, and every seedy location possible, so that everyone may know there is nothing to fear. And for those of you thinking that the Charr “Hero” will find this and exploit the map, do not fear.

Charr are big, furry animals who don’t speak language too good, as we, the people, speak it. We speak it gooder than the Charr. I dare to say, goodest of all the animals. Remember, the only good Charr is a dead Charr. Or perhaps a severely wounded Charr that will die relatively shortly. Or perhaps a Charr with one leg, because quite honestly, what can a one-legged Charr do?

May the Wall Forever Stand,

Yours Truly,

King Adelbern,

Your supreme ruler and Hero of the Guild Wars

Vatlaw Doomtooth: Look at this decree, it sickens me. How dare the mouses underestimate our power?

Grawl: I must say Sir Vatlaw, the correct plural form for mouse would be mice. But yes, you’re quite right. They underestimate your powers greatly.

The grawl crony continues to sip his Earl Grey Tea.

* * *

Next time on GWFP!

Less paragraphs, more lines!

AND THE SEARING!

Warren: What’s “The Searing?”

Valin: I don’t know, but I hope it kills off all these naked dancing people that keep asking me to help them open a gate.

Government Flu · Sep 05, 2007, 03:04 PM // 15:04

Note:

I didn't know whether the above chapter posted or not but apparently it did. (Long with lots of font, so it took a while.) However, the recent poster name hasn't been updated, so hopefully my usual second post will help things out.

(It appears to have, indeed.)

Anyway!

First of all, thank you all for continuing to read my parody, and special thanks to the additional people that gave me 5 stars! Now, the reason why this parody came so late is because my new job makes me work through the night so my schedule has been kind of screwed up lately.

I've had very little free time and I was in a bit of a writer's block. Hopefully chapter 10 will be a good read for you all. Thanks! I'll continue to write more material.